When Things Don't Go As You Hoped

Oh man.  I think I've reached the end of my self-confidence when it comes to my horses.  Many of you have been asking about how the visit with the vet went, and frankly, I just want to wipe it out of my memory.  We're no closer to having an answer, except he totally made me feel like a SH*TTY horse owner, because after examining a flake of hay that Frank hadn't eaten and I hadn't disposed of, Dr. Fisher said the cause might simply be "poor hay quality." WHAT???? I look at every flake I give that horse.  I handed the vet a fresh flake, and somewhere in the middle of examining, he says, "It's a stretch, but go buy new hay. That may be the problem."

I love Dr. Fisher - A LOT; and I know through sources close to him, that he feels the same way about me and my animals...but really? Bad hay?  After he left, I sifted through flake after flake, and found maybe a blade here or there that had tiny, tiny specks.  But is that seriously enough to put my horse in the situation he's in?????  You see, this is where my insecurity flares up. Obviously, I don't know what I'm doing. And what I've been doing is killing my horse. Which means, I don't deserve to own a horse. Which means....WHAT THE HELL DO I DO NOW?!?!?

Ok, so maybe I'm over-reacting.  I did say to Greg, "Um, yeah. I'm gonna feel like a dipsh*t if it turns out to be hay quality." To which he responded, "Nah, it wasn't something that was so bad that it was obvious."  Yeah, ok. THAT'S supposed to make me feel better?!?!?

To be fair, we took another blood sample, as well as stool sample and will send to the lab down at Oregon State to recheck everything.  There are a few possibilities - bladder stone (which would be highly unlikely since there's no blood in his urine, and he's not having issues urinating), an immune disorder that I can't remember the name of (it starts with a "p" and goes on for ages), or a tumor (likely effecting the liver or kidney).  The treatment for bladder stones? Surgery. We can't afford it. The treatment for the immune disorder? Steroids. Frank has ulcers, we can't give him steroids! The diagnosis and treatment for a tumor? Completely out of my range.

All of that to say that as embarrassed as I would be if the problem is as simple as poor hay quality, I hope that is the answer. Why? Because THAT I can change; THAT I can treat.  If all I have to do is swallow my pride for the sake of my horse's comfort, health, and life...I can do that, and would do it over and over and over.  I understand now why so many horse owners are paranoid: for as big as they are, they are incredibly, incredibly fragile beings.  Here's to hoping for the simple answer, and to the opportunity to grow in my personal life!

Aside from my drama with Dr. Greg Fisher (who I love, btw), my day was once again non-stop.  I decided to change things up for Ellie Graye and make her french toast for breakfast. I made her my favorite vanilla french toast, and she LOVED it! I didn't mind it either! :-) That was when my day truly got started...

I had saved a few of the quince I had picked yesterday for my neighbor, and wanted to try my hand at making quince jelly...so that's what I did...or tried to do.  Halfway through the process, I spilled at least half the juice all over the floor, and had to start all over again! Yeah. I was pissed. It really was "one of those days." I'll post the recipe when I get the chance!

From this...

To this!

As I look back on the day, it becomes more and more obvious that I was simply "filling" time so that I couldn't or wouldn't think about Dr. Frank.  Because, really folks, wasn't making quince jelly enough? Noooooo...I also made a batch of green salsa.  Yummy, yummy tomatillo green salsa.  I used jalepenos, onions, garlic, and tomatillos from my garden. I think the jalepenos weren't quite ready yet, because while they packed a lot of flavor, none of it was spicy.  It's still yummy, and I definitely love that all of the produce was grown here at Deer Park. Besides, it's a hidden compliment that nearly 3 batches of the salsa that I made in the summer is gone....all eaten by friends and family!

I think I might have burned it a little...but hey, it lends a "smokey" flavor

We spent lots of time outside, watching the geese and the ducks that decided to make the lake where they spent their day.  Ellie Graye is obsessed with ducks, so it was wonderful to see her be so incredibly thrilled and excited to see them.

The Canadian Geese

believe it or not, there are baby ducks in this photo...

 Later in the evening, my mother came over for dinner and brought along an old childhood friend, Luke Maschmyer.  I hadn't seen him since he was about 11, so it was cool to hang out with him and actually "meet" him and who he is now.  He, like many of the people I grew up with, is quite an accomplished pianist, and immediately asked to play our piano.  Ellie Graye was enthralled, and at one point, attempted to join in.

So precious!

In the middle of all the hooplah with my horse, as well as the salsa and jam making, I managed to throw together a dinner that I've been craving for couple days - Chicken Caprese.  I LOVE caprese salad - with fresh tomatoes and basil and yummy mozzarella.  Over the years I've adjusted things to work the way I like, and I think by now I've come up with quite a good combination.  I'll post the recipe once I get my head screwed on straight again!

There's chicken in there somewhere! :-)

All in all, it was an exceedingly productive day, and as long as I stay busy, I don't have time to think about the embarrassment I'll feel if Frank's troubles all come down to "poor quality hay."  Sigh. I've done my best, but it might not be good enough!

RANDOM PHOTOS OF THE DAY

You're kidding right? With these ponytails, I certainly know what's cool.

Boots really wanted those geese, but he'd already seen Jax try to go for them!

This is all Victor has been doing for the last two weeks - raking leaves!

Challenges of the Countryside

Oh, man, sometimes this city girl living in the country just needs a good cry........

I was scared to death when I moved the horses out to the property - but it made sense.  Things weren't working out in the situation they were in; we were trying to reduce our spending; they needed some time just to be horses; and we had 72 acres that we could do whatever we wanted with.  The barn was built in a week or so, and before I knew it, I had my horses here with me.  I knew that I had the training to be able to provide what they needed, but doubted myself at every turn.  I'd never had full-care of my horses before, and while I was definitely familiar with their daily needs and care, I felt I needed someone to remind me what to do; someone to catch things that I might miss, and, of course, someone to correct me when I was doing things that weren't "right."  Somehow I've made it through the last 10 months, mostly due to the help and encouragement of many of my "horsey" friends.  They believed in me, and reminded me that I have good instincts and lots of knowledge but I had just never been tested...I think they were right, but I have to say, this entire situation with my horse Frank is really trying my self-confidence!  Sometimes I think that I've gotten in way over my head with this whole living-in-the-country thing.  

he has the softest eyes of any horse I know

Today as I was taking a break from being with Frank, I just felt like throwing my hands in the air and saying, "FORGET THIS."  With so much to be done around the property to keep it up to par, I just couldn't see how or why to keep going: the horses, the dogs, the baby, the house, the garden, and the myriad of other things that seem so petty but seriously take up time.  I left the horses, and walked across the dam with Boots and Jax in tow.  As I did so, I actually thought about this blog.  I thought about how I would articulate the emotions I was feeling, and how I would resolve them.  I was stumped. All I could think was, "I just want to cry."  I still do.

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I spent several hours with Frank today.  He didn't eat anything through the night last night, and around 1 pm, he began to show signs of colic - he was biting and kicking at his belly, and as I was hand-walking him, we couldn't get more than 10 feet without him trying to roll.  I gave him a half-dose of Banamine and called the vet; I hand walked him until he finally seemed to be more comfortable.  I was happy that when I put him back into his stall, he stood on all four feet, and even took a few bites of hay.  The vet is going to come out tomorrow instead of Friday, because things don't seem to be getting better.

he finally decided to eat

so skinny

Still a clown! Love this guy!

In between the frequent trips to the barn to check on Dr. Frank (yes, that's his registered name), I did get some tasks done in the garden.  The last crop of quince was ready to be picked, and our neighbor has been begging me for them, so I harvested the remaining fruit, and packed them up for her.  I also picked the last of our dahlias, then headed to the vegetable garden for cucumbers, zucchini, tomatoes and basil.  After gathering the last tidbits of harvest, Victor came through and mowed everything down.  It's hard to believe that the season of growing is already done, but the withering vines, drying husks, and wilting herbs have spoken! The ground seems so naked now, but it's clean and tidy, and I love it!

I love these dahlias!

The quince for Farah

Victor mowing down the garden

V also trimmed the roses (I think we're a couple weeks late but at least the frost hasn't come yet)

After checking to see that Ellie Graye was still napping, I headed out to walk around Deer Park in an effort to take some much needed "Melissa" time.  As I did, I looked for inspiration for Thanksginving and Christmas decor.  Often times berries, leaves and flowers have to be collected far in advance - otherwise, by the time you need them, they're gone or moldy or ruined in some way.  So, I picked up some berries to use on the mantle at Christmas time.  I also clipped some of the "beauty berries" that we have in the island of our driveway.  I love using them in winter arrangements, as they dry wonderfully, and give an unexpected burst of color in the middle of an otherwise colorless season.

Beauty Berries

Spending time with my daughter was a wonderful way to end the day.  When we headed into her bedroom to get ready to sleep, she asked me to read Good Night, Moon.  Most nights she'll look at the first few pages, and then lose interest, but tonight for the first time, she understood that the words I was saying were associated with the pictures in the book.  Three times we read it: "In the great green room there was a telephone, and a red balloon...." all the way through to "Goodnight noises everywhere!"  It really was a special time together.  As she sat in my lap, her head cuddled against my neck, the smell of her freshly washed hair, and the sounds of her contentedly sipping her milk, I was once again overwhelmed with emotion.

Our FAMILY is why we live here in the country and not in Los Angeles.

Our FAMILY is what makes the hard work of the farm worth it.

It's US is who gives this place purpose.

Looking at the lake trying to find "Patos" (ducks)

Mr. Frog was following her everywhere this morning!

Her favorite suction cup ducks!

It's definitely time to take a deep breath, close my eyes, and just be with my emotions. Good night, all!

RANDOM PHOTOS OF THE DAY

Our house from the rose garden

The flag in the rose garden

Hugging Victor

Worry and Wisdom

I'm sitting on my bed, staring at some kind of bee huddled where the window frame meets the wall.  It hasn't moved, flinched, or stirred the entire time I've been here, and instead of jumping up to remove it, I just keep thinking how representative of this time of year that little guy is.  The cold has hit, the busyness of the summer and harvest time has passed, and now all we want to do is huddle and rest.  For him, he has done his job, it's cold, and now it's over!  For me, I just need a day or two to regain my strength, and tah-dah, I'll be at it again.  I'll probably regret my decision to not take the bugger outside, but I just can't bring myself to move him!

It was definitely a challenging day for me.  It started out well enough.  Ellie Graye woke around 7:30 am  in a great mood, and we had a relatively smooth morning.  When I went out to feed the horses, I noticed Frank had eaten all of his hay, which I thought was a good sign.  We headed out to swimming, and that was wonderful as usual.  When I returned and went over to take the horses blankets off, however, things took a turn.  Frank was so incredibly swollen everywhere.  His edema was larger than a few days ago, and his legs and sheath were again huge.  Upon taking his blanket off, I gasped.  He has lost even more weight.  I don't understand it.  He's eating 20 - 30 lbs. of hay (most horses only need 10 - 15 lbs.) and 16 - 20 lbs. of Senior Blend feed (specifically formulated to provide complete nutrition so that hay isn't even necessary).  I had already planned on driving over to the vet to return the unused GastroGard (the $55/day treatment that wasn't working), so off I went.  Neither Dr. Fisher nor Dr. Aschim were working, but Dr. Tripp happened to walk in, and apparently knew all about the situation, because before I even said "hello" she asked me how he was (I guess in that aspect, the constant need for their services pays off).  I gave her an update, and after reviewing all his test results (low protein, low white blood cells, high calcium), she just shook her head and said she'd talk to Dr. Fisher.  Long story short, Dr. Aschim is going to come out on Friday and take some more blood to run some more tests.  It's just not making sense at all.  I am sick over the whole thing, but at least he's in good spirits and doesn't seem to be in any pain.  It just kills me to see him wasting away...seriously, my heart hurts. I just pray to god it's not stones, because then I'll have to make a really really really tough decision, because the only way to remove them is to take him to Oregon State to operate...and we just can't afford that!  Pray for a miracle, huh?

My worry about Frank has pretty much overshadowed every activity and task of the day.  I'll find a little something to smile about, and then it's like an anvil drops on my heart, and I go back to thinking about my horse...BUT, we were able to clear out all traces of Halloween, and pack it all up neatly and take it to the shop.  The living room is a clean slate, ready to celebrate Thanksgiving!

Our little John Deere keeps this place running!

It really was an amazingly beautiful day: clear, crisp, and clean with a hint of the scent of wet soil wafting through the air.  When the sun started to set (at 4:30 thanks to the time change), it really was spectacular!  As I walked away from the horses, I took a deep breath, and tried to focus on enjoying the good as well as feeling the weight of concern for Frank.

The front yard seemed to glow.  I don't know my camera well enough to figure out how to capture the feeling!

The moon was out by the time I left to take Victor and Lorena back to their house.  Ellie Graye started exclaiming, "Ba! Ba!" - her word for "Balloon."  I do believe that it's the first time that she has been aware of the moon.  All the way down Wilsonville Road, we played peek-a-boo with it, asking where it went as it hid behind trees and shouting, "BOO!" when it appeared again.  The range of emotions between the coming and going of the "Ba" was striking: elation at its sudden appearance, and devastation when it left.  I guess that's what I've spent so much time learning throughout my life journey: how to find the middle ground while still acknowledging both emotions, so that neither one is disabling!  

I came home and did what I often do to relieve stress. I cooked.  Since it was just me and the bear, I chose a rather simple recipe that was easy to adjust for only one person (plus a tiny munchkin):  Steak and Veggies with a wine sauce.  I sautéed some polenta, and there we had it, a delicious meal and tension dissolver in one! The zucchini, tomatoes and onion were from the garden.

I've decided that I need to start a second blog that will simply be dedicated to recipes.  It'll make organizing my posts so much easier, and searching for recipes when you want them should become far more simple as well.  Thus, Deer Park Farms - The Recipes.  

Keep up the feedback - I'm just learning here!

RANDOM PHOTOS OF THE DAY

Seriously, this dog is amazing.

EG was trying to stick her suction cup ducks to Jax

Then she gave up, and just crawled onto Jax's back

And Jax stood up! :-)

Bring on the next thing!

hee hee, EG's ponytail.  At least it keeps her hair out of her eyes!

Ellie and I sent Jeffrey off on his long road trip back to California today...it's always a little hard to see him drive off, somehow it's easier to drop him off at the airport.  There's something so formal about him driving himself away from the front door, leaving Ellie and I behind waving and blowing kisses.  It could very well be a control thing  - when I drop him it's ME driving away from him, not the other way around.  Hmmmm...interesting. ANYWAY, I know if he COULD be here, he would be.  I just have to keep my head up and continue to see the joy and beauty that surrounds me - and there's a lot of it to be found!

To damper the feeling of loneliness that hit after my husband left, I headed over to Grandma Lene's house for some time with her.  Ellie always loves being there, and especially loves hanging out with Cassie.  She gives more love to that dog than to any other animal - or person, for that matter!  She'll cuddle up, and bury her head in Cassie's soft fur, petting and cooing.  It's just so sweet!

Oooh, I wanna go out there with you, Cassie!

Is anyone looking???

Let's GO!!!!!!

We got lucky in that Colin was also visiting and watching the game with Grandpa Ed - which meant we got a "two-fer!"  Ellie loved all the attention, and mommy liked the break!

Ellie loves having a following!

And he even lifts her up to see out the sky light! Oh man, she's one lucky little girl!

After a few hours at Granma's, it was time to head home to feed the animals, have some Mommy/Dot time, and continue packing up all the Halloween decorations - which I'm still not done with! I may need to run out and buy more storage boxes.  I collected a whole lot more decor items this year, and like to keep things packed in uniform boxes in the shop.  Having them all together and organized makes all the difference when the next year rolls around, and I'm looking for my Halloween decorations!

Still need to pack this all up!

I'm hoping to get Halloween buttoned up and my Thanksgiving decorations out this week, but am still waiting for a moment of inspiration.  I don't have a clue as to what avenue I'll take this year, and haven't seen any photos in any magazines that have called out to me. I'll probably take a walk around the property tomorrow to see if I can't find some inspiration there.  Who knows, maybe I'll find a unique branch or leaf or dried seed pod that will spark an idea.

For Ellie Graye, today was all about her Rody horse that Amy and Mark gave her for her first birthday.  She would haul it around the living room, find a spot, bounce on it for a while, fall on her face, drag it to another spot and do it again.  She loves that thing!

I'm happy to report that Ellie Graye had a wonderful bedtime tonight.  We went through our usual routine, which ends with us rocking in our rocking chair talking about the day.  We cuddled and kissed and laughed, and when I said, "Ok. I'm going to put you in your bed now." There wasn't a single protest.  She laid down, I tucked her in, said, "Goodnight; you're sweet; I love you," and that was it.  I felt so happy to have the experience be a peaceful, loving, joyful one rather than the screaming that has become the norm.  I'm sure that for little miss Graye it was nice too!

On another note, I got an email from my dad today.  You see, my father and Laora are, in their own words, "contest junkies."  Nearly two years ago, they entered a contest for an office makeover sponsored by Microsoft and Trading Spaces' Vern Yip (wait, is that his name?); they begged, stalked, prodded, requested, and bribed all their friends, and even handed out fliers at the airport to gain votes to make it into the finalists. Of course, all their hard work paid off, and wah-bam, dad had a visit way out in Wyoming from Trading Spaces and Vern, plus a redecorated office and some fun Microsoft Gear...he's got some great clips of what it's like way out in the boondocks of Wyoming if you're wanting a good laugh! Now he's doing this Starbucks one - though to be honest I have no idea what he's trying to win...still. I support my dad! So click here and give him a little thumbs up!

With that, I'm off to bed.  I'm excited about a new week with not much planned!

RANDOM PHOTOS OF THE DAY